The All Original

Letters, journals, essays, posts, bar napkins, and texts…word counts in the millions…  Wow, thanks for the inspiration to keep track of life…why does love take so long to realize?  So I guess that as I evolved, changed over the years, my ethos went from demanding love to appreciating love given to me.  I was such a brute with love, because I more or less demanded it.  I could not be in a relationship that was healthy for the longest time...either I was nonchalant and uncommitted or she was.  Yet, I changed finally after having fallen truly in love with someone who could not love me back...literally, she could not love me back due to issues that were insurmountable.  Before this true love, I have journal entries from past love affairs that testify to my sudden awakening after the lover withdrew; consistently, I was tough until it was over and then I pined over the love lost.  I changed my ways with the One, but she was not the One, because she did not love me reciprocally.  She did however instigate me to give up alcohol and nicotine, because they were central to defining Us as we were together.  We drank and smoked together like champions in both sports, and one of the things that I really adored was her ability to have so much fun drinking and smoking.  However, the relationship was rocky and untenable over the years we held together with my glue.  In the end, I wanted to change and prove to her that I could change...so I did change, and I failed...I failed and failed and failed to change; yet, this is the lesson I needed to learn over and over and over again, which is, Change is a Process, not a Single Momentary Decision that then becomes total. 

 

I decided that I would not let the One become another lost love due to my bad habits, my poor communication skills, my lackadaisical 'taking her for granted', and my laziness with real professionalism to earn a fair salary.  She inspired me to be my best, but I too need someone to ask me questions and listen…maybe even covet this secret time we share together…to even draw me out fully…to see and cherish the magic that is inside of me.  Maybe this is too deep a hole to complete my breadth…yet, I’m eternally hopeful that there exists a comfortable rhythm in the arms of a woman to love.  I rely on shared sincerity, interests, fitness, and time.  I want it all of course,…no hesitations works best with me when the chemistry is sincere.  Tell me, what is love?  Obviously, I’m waiting for a woman who is seasoned and surveyed enough of the landscapes to know…one who just intuits that she must step up.  

​

 

To sum up:

​

• My responses are malleable, yet reliable and truthful. 

• My past is a given, yet it does not ordain my future to act like I once did.  

• I enjoy living in the present and dreaming about what we can do together in the future...the past is meant to be acknowledged and overcome when demonstrably destructive to what you care about presently.

• My passion is recognized; my shortcomings are real; my wherewithal is strengthened with mutual adoration.