On July 22, 2019, I had another completely shitty hangover. I had smoked more than a pack and a half of cigarettes, drank $100 worth of beers and shots ranging from the nearby dive bar and local Circle K convenient store. This night included sending ugly drunk texts to an ex-girlfriend, bobbing around in the community pool with barely an ability to keep myself from just downing, and lots of chagrin for the life I lived. I was so unhappy with myself professionally, personally, mentally, and everything else…a dangerous situation to be in.
I had experimented with sobriety before. I had made it to a maximum of 40ish days sober; I believe part of the problem with the Quits of the past was that I added nicotine to the mix. I really detested my smoking addiction, but I thought if I was going through the Withdrawals, then I should include alcohol too! Every time I drank, I broke this smoking cessation, and one drink always became seven or more. My Quits included a total of ten years with varying levels of successes. Sometimes I was able to complete a half marathon to mark the Quit’s success; and I would celebrate with “just one beer”. FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) was the impetus to go back out and find fun that was elusive as a sobernaut. FYI, I completed six half marathons over these years.
I was 45 years old on July 21, 2019…ugh, never married, no stable income, renting a room in a basement from a curmudgeon of a guy, working in a grocery store as a clerk with an MBA and multiple professional certifications, and driving an old vehicle. I felt like a complete loser unless I was at the bar getting drunk with my only friends. Nonetheless, I remembered some rare times when there was so much fun, and I did not want to miss that random joy. What I did not realize then was just how boring I had become…every weekend included a painful hangover or two, every week included energy drinks to get going at different points, no month included a stellar time at work, and no significant amount of time interrupted the easily forgotten life I was living.
July 22, 2019, became another Quit with a bad hangover, a day One marked by another painful day of feeling awful…I specifically thought, “might as well call this my first day and see how far I could go again.” I had gone to AA in the past, but the real impact came from r/stopdrinking as I was lurking around here and r/stopsmoking. I had three years of therapy already, so I knew about living in the Present, which I thought I was doing with alcohol (justifications for continuing to drink despite poor/bad outcomes is the telltale badge of an ‘alcoholic’). I went day by day; and I wrote a lot in r/stopdrinking as a commenter to other people’s posts; and I continued to write in my journal(s) about the daily briefing of drinks not drunk and cigarettes not smoked, and money saved (apps kept track of the statistics and I checked them multiple times every day and entered the data in my journals).
I needed outlets for all the time I now had gobs of to manage, exist in. I prepared wonderful cuisine to celebrate my savings by buying quality food, I took 3-hour walks at night along lonely canals in AZ, I watched many movies and shows housed on the Internet, and I went to the gym for aerobic exercise. BUT, I was not nicotine-free, because I switched to vaporizers from cigarettes and remained addicted to nicotine. I figured it was important to successfully quit alcohol first and then attack nicotine, as preached in AA rooms across America. I practiced meditation with free YouTube videos I would play at night to help me go to sleep…sleeping was not easy to start but lasted ten hours or more once I began to slumber. I looked at sleep as a curative event for my brain to heal and my organs to flush the toxins; I drank a gallon of water per day as measured by a jug. I lasted 100 days, which included another half marathon and a multi-day bike trip in France as a present from my parents for doing this sober journey.
I was triggered by an ex-girlfriend who “really hurt me again”. I smoked ten cigarettes and drank half a bottle of wine to punish myself, calm myself, grieve for my self, and punish her for “making” me feel this way. I spent the next 3 months drinking on weekends and smoking cigarettes; I quickly returned to pack-a-day smoking and hangovers on weekends (luckily, I was able to keep my weeks clean of alcohol). In January 2020, I caught some awful flu from my ex-girlfriend, and I suffered for two weeks with terrible body pain and coughing, which required some antivirals, pain medication, cough suppressants, and other medications to help me. As an aside, this was not specifically Covid19 when testing for it months later, I had no remnants of the DNA to trigger a positive result.
Well, I was now two weeks into a Quit again, which doubled up nicotine and alcohol withdrawal symptoms. I moved into a new apartment opportunity, which has become my home base that I continue to enjoy stability. I spent the next six months re-enacting the process of quitting that was successful for me once before, except I did not go to a gym given Covid 19 was in full swing by February 2020. I counted the drinks not drunk, the cigarettes not smoked, and I did not restart vaping nicotine. I left my apartment multiple times in the early weeks with an intent to buy cigarettes and the compromise that I had to walk a couple of miles first...and I ended up at home with a meditation to fall asleep. I was able to get Medicaid insurance and unemployment monies to help me last through this tough time.
I shared much of my insight and experience with others on subreddits dedicated to helping others help each other with their respective Quits. I tried explaining my point of view, giving advice, and learning to be flexible with what I believed to be true. I learned that I was not alone with my problems, and that I was not unique with how I felt about my person. This is the idea: I felt better knowing that my situation was not unique, and others also experienced the same reactions to physical and emotional traumas.
I have two broad snippets to share about the multi-faceted processes to quit booze and nicotine.
Quitting is all about mastering the algorithm that is unique to you. We share many of the same variables, but the coefficients of these variables are what we must figure out with our personal inputs.
Sleep, healthy cuisines, and exercise are the three most important variables to help heal the damages done by the extensive poisoning from alcohol and nicotine (and other drugs).
Relieving stress, rewarding yourself with experiences/items that elate you, and finding outside activities are critical to me but less significant to others.
It is important to keep coming back to help others with the wisdom gained. Read posts that trigger you to write a response, and then you will have the advice you need to hear to keep extending the Quit from days to weeks to months to years. You are your own best source for the critical wisdom that will keep you going…the best words to live by are your own insights.
I have had many opportunities to start drinking again to solve issues. I have had jobs go poorly because I am unwilling to be abused at a workplace (my definition of abuse may be different than others, but it is my reality to decide my limits). I have had relationships abruptly end, deaths of acquaintances/family/pets, happy celebrations, and those who pour wine despite knowing that I am a sobernaut. I do not frequent bars anymore and spend my available funds on quality food, presents for others, quality restaurants I love (Thai, Japanese, and Korean), new clothing, and fun exercise opportunities (paddle board, all-terrain bike, sneakers, yoga classes, and camping gear).
Alcohol-Free | • 1,278 days • 5,480 drinks not drunk (4.3 daily average) • $25, 573 not spent on booze • 1,096,000 empty calories avoided |
Nicotine-Free | • 1,278 days • 30,557 cigarettes not smoked • $14, 132 not spend on cigarettes |
Health Benefits | • 215 days of extra life according to the apps • Stroke and Cancer remain risks to my body from these addictions, but all the other measures are equal to that of non-users. |
I am living happily. Two cats consider me their caretaker, my parents are truly happy for me, I am a community liaison for my city, I volunteer, I exercise daily, I have a very low overhead with my life revolving around 100 miles of where I live, my garden is growing outside my apartment, and my friends now are not heavy drinkers. I do gig work and have few stresses. I do not have any children, chose a vasectomy at 42 for personal reasons, and otherwise do not worry about saving for the future more than what I can reasonably save for a little reserve for unforeseen issues. I am confident that I can deal with the punches of life as they roll in.
Four years ago today, I started something important to me. I lapsed in my journey during the beginning stages, and eventually I missed the calm and happiness I had to realize with months of a life free of nicotine and alcohol. Something that kept me going was that I really wanted to see who I could be as a sobernaut; I never knew my adult self as a nondrinker and nicotine-free.
After a solid three years and six months (today marks that), I can positively say that this life is measurably better living as I am. Am I competitive with my peers when it comes to careers? No. I am perfectly fine not being wrapped up with a lifestyle that is stressful to maintain; I am perfectly fine with not comparing myself to others as a motivation to work more than I must. Is this life for everyone? No, it is not.
The joie de vivre is different for all of us; my measure of happiness is relative to what makes me happy and how often I engage in those activities. Additionally, what bothers me is a spectrum from (grate to infuriate) and the entire gamut is defanged from necessitating me to cull the feelings with booze…I exhale away my angst now (maybe good, maybe bad). The Chinese culture calls it “Lying Flat”; it is an ethos to do the bare minimum to live within ones means and then experience the life that is available within this ethos.
My favorite accomplishment this year is a new form of poetry I use to convey intersecting thoughts. Otherwise, I have hiked a lot, practiced yoga weekly with a troupe that meets in a park, accomplished excellent work with the gigs I have done, paddle boarded a couple hundred miles, camped a few times, and biked a thousand miles at least. I have a few things that I would like to get done, including a money-making venture that has the proof-of-concept completed; also, writing a series of short stories about my complexities and completing the overview for how intentional communities can sprout up using digital currencies. Everything is moving, but none of it with gusto…that will change this year…all of these projects have been brewing for some time and all have traction already from the cerebral work completed.
*HUG*, if you read all of this, then thank you for your attention. I am who I am, and I am a fun guy with a sober mindset that does not long for alcohol or nicotine. Even nine months after my Quit, I was having periodic intense cravings splash against my sober edifice…pangs are a part of quitting, and exhales are part of becoming a sober someone that had previously never known an adult life free of addiction. Please try Sobriety…please understand it is a process that is worth undertaking…please know there are millions of people wanting you to be happy as a sobernaut…please keep coming back to where you find your happiness…please know that your life will change for the better with time invested…please know that your life is priceless and your happiness is all that is needed to positively impact your community, family, and friends…please think about a sober lifestyle to help you find this happiness…please understand that change takes time and requires an investment of willingness and energy and consistency…please add to whatever you have already deemed important for your journey to uncovering the Happiness that longs to be Present for you.
*smile*, lastly, it is important to record your journey so that you can reread it. Your vocabulary available during this transition is uniquely yours, and your wisdom will grow as you learn to talk about what is going on with your emotions, challenges, and passions. I tried to reflect honestly on how I felt during those early days, weeks, months…and the sheer fear is not readily available for reflection today, but there are pages that describe my self during those challenging times. At this point, I will protect the investment of time and energy to become sober with all of my Present wherewithal; I do not want to go through the fucking Withdrawals ever again, and I want to enjoy my Happiness as often as possible and smile when my brain squirts just the right mixture of chemicals to usher in gushing thankfulness for being alive in that moment!
Comments