To make a long story short, I was almost 100 days sober from alcohol and cigarettes. Last night, I drank half a bottle of wine and smoked 10 cancer sticks. The impetus to break the longest successful Quit streak of my life was a purely emotional response to a very complicated situation. The trigger was an inability to combat a sense of worthlessness brought on by my expectations of my soulmate. I felt like I only had one thing left in my toolbelt to ward away the hurt, drinking!
This morning, she apologized and promised to be careful of supporting my goals by joining me on a sober journey together. This was my first break in an otherwise successful challenge to overcome my addictions. I am not resentful of this moment, because it showed me that there are indeed limitations to my resilience after 3 months.
Starting over, yes...but, now I have another learning experience to offer to others in this sub and elsewhere....if you love someone and she/he doesn't take the necessary care to protect your life from the ill-effects of addiction, then you need to clearly tell him/her that they can be an insurmountable trigger and you are going to side with your sober happiness rather than allowing them this malignant power. Additionally, if you can meditate yourself to sleep, then you will have successfully overcome the need to medicate the emotional pain with alcohol.
Life changed for me as a nonsmoker. Most importantly, more than the better sleep, the deeper breathing, the clean clothing in my closet, the happy 74-year -old mom, the ability to date anyone rather than just smokers, the ability to finish half marathons and other endurance events....above all these, I am proud of myself finally!
you're never at square one once you've tried! I have tried and tried and reset the clock. However, the truth is: the resolve grows into a desirous "quitting tree" that will have seasons, growth rings, and sometimes look dead without a leaf in winter. Seasons change, leaves regrow, and you are both taller and stronger as you reach for the source of your sustenance.
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